Humans were not meant to live alone. We seek each other out and form relationships to better our lives and share our love. But these partnerships can be difficult to maintain.

When different personalities and perspectives are brought together, there is bound to be some friction in the union. Conflict can be healthy but if the fight’s not fair, it allows that friction to grow into a fire that will be hard to extinguish.

In order to disagree effectively in a relationship, we’ve got to learn how to fight fair.

1. Communication is key.

The key to a healthy relationship is communication, but knowing the theory and applying the practice are two different things.

In order to effectively communicate, we must understand that communication flows both ways. Both partners need to have equal opportunity to express their hurt, anger, and frustration in a way that will be heard without judgment.

2. Know when to take a timeout.

Words can be said in the heat of the moment that can never be taken back, so it’s important to know when it’s time to take a break. Agreeing to take a timeout when things get too intense can help with calmer communication and avoiding the impulse to fight dirty.  

3. Don’t be a mind reader.

Mind reading, assuming what a partner is thinking or feeling and acting on that assumption, can sink any productive resolution Inserting our own observations and assumptions onto our partner gives us a false reality. Instead of making assumptions about their feelings, couples must practice the power of silence and actually listen to what their partner is really saying

4. Know what’s off limits and avoid it.

When in a relationship, each partner becomes privy to the other person’s secrets, flaws, insecurities, and embarrassments. That information is not meant to be used as ammo in a fight. Our need to remove personal blame and our instinct to hurt before we are hurt can cause us to dig up painful subjects from the past and turn them into weapons to use against the person we love.

Instead, assess which topics are off limits and respect those restrictions.

5. Stop keeping score.

It’s harmful to stockpile hurt as a reminder of the times we have felt slighted because doing so limits our ability to move past those feeling of distress.

Keeping score in a relationship keeps pain fresh on the surface instead of allowing it to heal. Holding on to negativity as a defense mechanism only creates more negativity. When a partner keeps track of hurt, it only causes the other to do the same

Instead, couples must treat each encounter as if both partners have a clean slate so old wounds from the past can be allowed to heal.  

Once a couple learns to fight fair, conflict can be healthy.